Chapter Text
I couldn't sleep, I was glued to my bed and watched the sun rise through the window. To be honest, I didn't know what to think. I felt like I didn't know who I truly was.
I'm straight, I literally have a girlfriend.That was all I could think, along with,how could I forget him? How did I forget THAT?
Tossing the blankets off me before grabbing my phone and checking my texts. There was a good morning text from my girlfriend. I responded with saying good morning back. I scrolled mindlessly through social media, folded my clothes, took a shower, and got dressed into new clothes. This summer may be boring, but it'll be alright,I thought to myself.
Hunched over in a small narrow isle in a local craft store is where I found myself that afternoon. Both airpods in listening to Gold and Green by Slaughter Beach, Dog. A journal in each hand, debating which color I liked more, black or blue? It took a few moments to realize someone behind me was trying to get my attention.
I took an air pod out,
"Excuse me, could you please move?"
I stood up and looked at them to see where they were trying to go, I straightened myself against the shelf to let them pass. But they didn't move, just stared at me. I looked directly into their eyes. A brief pause of silence passed, slowly he began to smile in realization.
Doubting myself, "Stan? Stan Marsh?" A small smile pulled at my lips. He nodded slowly then began to chuckle, eyeing me up and down.
As we shook hands, he said, "Wendy texted me but I really didn't believe it to be true. But you're really back, dude!" He stared at me as if I wasn't real, scanning me up and down.
"yeah, dude, I'm back. I see you have changed." Took me a few moments to really get a good look at him. He wore a band tee, a beanie, and some basic baggy jeans. His shoes were well worn.
"Heard you got a girlfriend," Stan said.
I nodded, "yup, how about you?"
He shook his head, "nah, not really. I stopped talking to girls a while ago. Taking a break I guess." He shrugged then stifled a little bit as he stood, putting his hands in his pockets.
I nodded, "understandable. How is everyone? Any major changes since I've been gone?" I was struggling to make conversation, figured this would keep him talking for a little while. To be honest, I was a little curious.
Stan stared down the aisle and tried to think of things to say, "Oh, you know, nothing really changes around here." We both laughed, "Clyde is doing good, him and Bebe are on and off though. How it always is." He groaned, "I haven't talked to Tweek in months." He glanced to me when he said that.
"I'm sure he's doing well." I looked to the floor. Still feeling guilty about forgetting about him for so long.
Stan nudged me, "do you want me to give you Tweek's number?"
"I'm not gay." I rolled my eyes at him and crossed my arms.
"Alright well, can I get your number anyways?"
I shrugged, "alright."
"Thanks." He smiled, took out his phone, and I recited my number to him as he typed it into his phone. He waved goodbye then left me alone in the aisle. Leaving me feeling stranded and a small sinking feeling began in my stomach. Maybe it was already there, but it got deeper.
My phone buzzed in the passenger seat, I reached for it and automatically pressed the answer call button.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Craig!" I smiled; it was my girlfriend.
"How does it feel to be back? I hope you're settling in well."
"Yeah, it's... uh," silently mumbling, "how are you?"
She paused, "well, Ive been meaning to talk to you on the phone." She sounded very worried.
"What's up? Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, everyone is fine." An awkward silence hung in the air. I put the phone on speaker and rested it in the cupholder. "I met someone a while back and we've been talking."
I pulled into my driveway and parked the car, "what?" I barely uttered out. I felt like I could vomit. "A while? But we're still dating? What the hell do you mean?" Confusion quickly turned into anger. "What are you talking about?"
"Maybe a month ago, Craig, it's just been different since you left. I'm sorry."
"Who?" I asked frantically.
She paused, "Archie."
I straightened my shoulders, "no, you know what." She kept quiet, "Was it all for nothing, then? I just- I meant nothing to you?" My words broke as they left my throat. I felt my face get hot, suddenly this car was far too small for such big emotions.
"Craig-" Was all I heard before I hung up on her.
I laid awake that night and calculated what I was doing a month ago, what her and I were doing. I scrolled through my photos, looked through my camera.
There it was, staring me in the face so obviously. The shadows of my room surrounded me. I didn't move, scared I would disrupt the silence surrounding me. I stared at the photo: even though there was a strong glare, I could see shoulder pressed against his, so small yet so obvious. My heart sank deep inside me, I curled up on my bed and softly sobbed.
I took out the new journal from the plastic bag. Took me an hour or so to write whatever I felt I needed to. Maybe this is all stupid, I knew it was going to happen, just not so soon. She was my best friend, regardless of if she was girlfriend or not. Thankfully I wouldn't have to speak to her or see her face. Late into the night I climbed out my window and decided I needed to go for a walk, or something. Just to get her out of my mind. Too many changes too fast in one month.
Down the street, under the moon, I walked slowly with my hands buried deep in my pockets. "I'll get over it, this will pass." I whispered under my breath; I repeated it multiple times. Trying to get myself to believe it.
Days past, laying in my bed, watching Netflix by myself in my room with the blinds drawn and lights off. Reading articles about the Universe, playing hours of terraria. I wouldn't shower for days, only getting out of bed to use the restroom or eat. Stan would text me and I would respond with one or two words. Cancel hangouts, or often times I would just flake out.
"Craig!"
"Hey Stan." melting more into my sheets with each word.
"Wanna hangout today? Me and the gang are going to the woods to check out this cool abandoned building."
"But I'm watching Netflix."
An awkward pause, "what? Come hangout for once!"
"I'm watching Netflix."
Then one of us would hangup and then he'd call again in a day or two. I would always say no. Thats how it went for two weeks, soon, he stopped asking.
My mom encouraged me to distract myself from everything, she talked to me about how hard it is on all of us to move back. She also pitied that I was now single, though, she encouraged me to try to go into town and talk to people. "Maybe even start talking to another girl!" Then she told me to go for a walk, I nodded along, swallowing my own words. Keeping my head down as I walked to the end of the street and back, listening to music.
"Craig, you okay?" My sister asked me as I was about to make my way up the stairs.
I turned to her and smiled, "yeah, I'm okay," reassuring her, partially myself.
I knew it wouldn't last forever, was I so foolish to think my happiness would at least last another few weeks?
Somehow, I went to sleep that night.
Trees surrounded me, brown leaves fell to my feet, I watched them land. I looked up and tried to squint through the fog, just barely, someone stood out of arms distance. I called out, no response. They walked closer to me, light beaming behind them, blurring their face. Something whispered behind me. I stood still and tried to listen to them, they kept whispering softer and softer... I watched them run away. I chased after them, but the farther I ran began to heavily breath. They whispered louder in my ear. Eventually I couldn't run anymore and knelt down to catch my breath. The voice whispered louder and louder; I covered my ears. I shut my eyes, the noise pierced through my entire body and jostled my bones. "Stop-" I mumbled, almost pleading."Stop!" I yelled, more desperately than the first.
I woke up, my entire body sweaty.
This reoccurring dream kept leaving me breathless, clutching my stomach. Just for a small moment, the moment before the figure started running, I could feel myself smile. I didn't understand why.
The Universe was doing this for a reason, I just dont understand yet.
